I never thought about the being alive thing before. The two options available to my naive mind used to be alive or dead, simply that. And then, I grew up!. It is not that living these days in the desert made life worse, it's all these circumstances combined.
Before getting married life was full of school, more school, work, traffic, family, friends, plans, travel. I used to sleep for 3 or 4 hours a day and considered that a waste of time. Things changed, a lot, no more school, far family, few or less friends, and for god's sake no life traffic.
Usually I do well with the concept of being a stay at home mother is the greatest job and being responsible for lives and building humanity in these souls being the hardest job, but frankly there are no colleagues in there, No manager to report to, no life around the life we are talking about. It is so much like "living in the desert". It is completely untrue if I say I am unthankful for the gift I have, not for a second, but sometimes,it is nice if you feel alive, like you meet someone at the market that actually see you, and maybe go wild and say hi. It isn't this bad really, just most of the days are dull, quiet and empty.
Can I change this? Yes I can. Why not? Cause I have priorities, and unfortunately "me" is number 7 or 8 I guess. Sometimes, we have this thing that you don't want to change cause no matter how hard it is now, you can't imagine living your life without it or living it differently in the minimum shot. I have kids, that am not willing for any reason to let anybody else but me to raise them. Am so strict with this subject and aware of all the available options but so far, since I didn't clone me yet, nothing is satisfying enough. So I guess, till they both join school and I do a magical work in searching for a job, till then I will try to find a way where feeling alive can demonstrate itself without referring to the life I used to know. Trying hard to mentally survive living as a SAHM in Dubai.